it's no accident

My immediate world will be the end of me.

the current relationships in my work and in my personal life - are nothing that i cherish, nor are they anything i can sustain any longer.

my boredom, depression, anxiety, and overall disconnection - make it difficult to wrap my head around dealing with any of this for much longer than another year.

i have a tendency to present myself with "distractions" and "obstacles" that make.. holding on.. something of a personal accomplishment.  whether it be scheduling vacations with my family, temporary relationships, or investments.  whatever excuse i can use to "hold on", i've used it.

"when the kids are off to college, then it's ok"
"when the dog finally dies, then it's ok"
"when the investment matures, then it's ok"
"after this vacation, then it's ok"
"after that holiday, then it's ok"
"let me get through this______, then it's ok"
"once i have enough money to pay off the kids college, then it's ok"

i'm really out of excuses... i have a year in me.  that's it.  the redundancy has become boring, and the colors are now just an opaque smear of mistrust, emptiness, and in-excitability.

check please.

anniversaries...

fifteen years ago, I married a woman whom I was absolutely crazy about.

i miss feeling that way about someone.

as i get more and more bored with things, i don't see looking for that any longer.

and i don't miss the distrust that it eventually came to...


sometimes i don't know whether i am chasing or being chased.

either way, i really am over it all.

i don't want to play any longer.

fuck today.

hmm....

Saying you can’t be sad because someone else has it worse is like saying you can’t be happy because someone else has it better

An tseamróg dubh an bháis

..black shamrock of death.

sometimes lonely.

sometimes dark.

very personal.

and very much me.




it's just a place for me to write - and never be connected to myself.